Workshop Humour

A whittle bit of workshop humour to brighten your day:


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:  Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:  A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

HACKSAW:  One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you try to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:  Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper and tin oil cans and splashing oil onto your shirt; but it can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:  A tool for opening paint cans.  Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

HAMMER:  Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of diving rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.